The Needs

Need (n) A condition or situation in which something is required or wanted.

I remember a while ago I was asked to come with Jordan to Wollongong because one of his friends was throwing a BBQ or something (I can't recall what exactly, to be honest) and I declined it because it was a raid night on WoW. They called me addicted, anti-social, crazy, etc. I didn't deny it. Possibly because I thought they were right. Only a few nights ago I realised how wrong they were.

Now I know why I chose a game over real life. It wasn't because I was addicted to it. It was because my presence was wanted. I was needed. It feels good to know that someone needs me. It's like my existence serves a purpose. I'd rather be sitting at home playing my role in an online game with people I have never met before than seeing people in real life just to sit around and not knowing if my presence really means something. I have the need to know that I am wanted and needed.

I want people to let me know if they need me or want my help. It makes me feel alive. They also gotta know that when I help them the pleasure is all mine and that they actually are doing me a favor. =)

Dear friend,

Dear friend,

I saw your photo. You look really nice in that black shirt. The same shirt you were wearing when I picked you up at the hostel your cousin was staying at. I remember thinking you looked gorgeous then too. I remember your smile when you saw me and the long big tight hug you gave. I remember how happy I was to finally see you that day.

The next few days were great with you. I have been going through some hard times and having you there with me was like seeing a ray of sunshine after a long dark stormy night. You made me laugh by being who you were; playful, nonjudgmental, laid-back, and warm. Your "firstly, you are beautiful. Secondly, don't give up," followed by a kiss on my forehead put a smile on my face and kept me going for days. I will never forget that.

Now, I am about to make a decision of my life. This person who married me four years ago and whom I love so much want to try and make things work again. I wanna try and make things work again. It means I will never be able to see or talk to you again. My heart is broken, dear friend. And for the rest of my life I know there will be a hole in my heart. But you gotta know, no one will be able to take away all those memories we made together.

I love you.

Yours,

A

Kekasih di Tepi Jurang

Aku jauh dari kekasih hati. Salahku dan salahnya melukai kami. Sakitku dan sakitnya mengeruk bumi dan mencipta jurang. Dalam, sangat dalam. Tapi mungkin tidak lebar. Aku ada di satu sisi dan dia di sisi lain. Aku bisa melihatnya, dia juga melihatku. Dan tangisku. Dan tangisnya. Dan semua senyum pahit kami.

Aku pikir aku bisa melihat berkeliling di sini. Mungkin ada kayu. Mungkin ada kayu yang cukup panjang dan kuat untuk kubuat jembatan. Agar ia bisa di sini. Atau aku di sana. Tak penting yang mana. Aku hanya ingin bersama kekasihku. Dan kotak kecil di mana serpihan jantung kusimpan dan kutitipkan padanya. Agar ia tahu ia selalu punya jantungku yang merah dan basah.

Aku mulai melangkah mencari kayu yang kumau. Kadang aku merasa aku tahu kenapa, seringkali tidak. Beberapa kali aku kembali untuk melihatnya dan kotak kecilku. Dia masih di sana, masih memeluk kotakku. Betapa leganya. Lalu aku berjalan semakin jauh dari tepi jurang. Tak ada kayu. hanya ranting-ranting. Maka semakin jauhlah aku darinya. Dalam rantauku aku merasa bebas, namun sepi sekali. Beling-beling dan kerikil terinjak kaki telanjang. Sakit. Tapi tatkala bunga liar mekar, aku lupa sakit itu.

Aku ingin ia lari bersamaku, di duniaku, merasa sakitku, mencium bungaku. Lalu kami bisa duduk di bawah pohon besar dan rimbun yang tumbuh di atas bukit. Bercerita, bercinta, lalu tidur siang.

Ah anganku....

Sadarku bangkitkan sakitku. Aku masih sendiri di sini, masih mencari kayu. Tapi bunga-bunga liar ini cantik sekali. Mereka berduri, tapi aku tak peduli. Terlalu cantik. Aku petik hati-hati satu yang paling besar. Yang mirip dengan yang sering kulihat dalam mimpi. Kusematkan ia di dada, dekat dengan sisa jantung yang kupunya.

Mungkin aku mau di sini saja. Dengan bunga cantik. Lagipula hari sudah memakan matahari. Tidur saja dengan bunga cantik dan mimpi indah. Kayu-kayu bisa menunggu hingga hari esok.

Langit kini berwarna jingga. Jantungku sakit memaksa mataku untuk membuka. Dan bunga cantik tak lagi di sini.

Tunggu!

Bunga cantikku masih di sini. Masih tersemat di dada, dekat dengan sisa jantung yang kupunya. Tapi ia tak cantik. Ia layu dan hampir kering. Durinya tertancap di sisa jantungku. Sakit. Lebih sakit dari kakiku.

Saat hari memuntahkan lagi matahari, lagi aku berjalan. Masih sendiri. Tapi kulihat lagi bunga-bunga liar cantik. Berwarna-warni terang. Mataku kututup tapi terang mereka menembus kelopak mataku yang tipis. Baiklah. Aku cium saja mereka. Jangan dipetik. Cium saja. Wanginya... Aku mau duduk. Nikmat wangi bunga terlalu menggoda.

Tapi aku rindu kekasihku. Ia masih menunggu, kotak kecilku masih dipeluknya. Aku yakin itu. Jalan lagi sajalah. Semoga hari ini kutemukan kayu yang cukup panjang dan kuat untuk kubuat jembatan. Agar ia bisa di sini. Atau aku di sana. Tak penting yang mana. Aku hanya ingin bersama kekasihku.

Masih saja ranting-ranting yang kulihat. Banyak sekali. Berbagai ukuran. Berbagai warna. Tapi kini aku lelah. Aku mau ke tepi jurang. Aku mau lihat kekasihku. Rinduku terpaku. Maka kutatih kakiku ke sana. Lebih pelan, karena beling dan kerikil belum pergi dan aku tak mau luka lagi.

Setibaku di sana, kekasihku masih terlihat. Ia lelah dan terduduk di tanah, yang di bawahnya tumbuh rumput segar dan bunga-bunga cantik. Kupu-kupu menari menggoda inderanya. Matanya bersinar, satu bunga menjatuhkan hatinya. Dan ia menjatuhkan kotak kecilku! Jantungku yang merah dan basah tercecer. Ia tak peduli. Ia terlalu gembira.
Kini di kakiku tergenang air mataku. Kekasihku tak lagi untukku. Cintanya untuk sang bunga, bukan lagi untuk jantungku. Biarlah....

Tapi aku mau dia. Saat bulan penuh hingga bulan habis. Sepanjang bulan. Sepanjang tahun. Seumur hidup.

Asaku putus. Tak ada kayu. Hanya ranting.

Dan kini kubiarkan kakiku menatih sisa ragaku dan jantungku. Kuikat kembali asaku sementara kubiarkan torsoku membungkuk, lututku menekuk, dan tanganku memungut ranting-ranting yang kulihat kemarin. Semuanya. Biarlah aku tak punya kayu. Akan kujalin dan kupilin ranting-ranting ini, di atas tanah yang mulanya kering dan kini basah karena air mata. Akan kubuat jembatan untukku sendiri agar aku bisa memunguti sisa jantungku yang merah dan basah dan tercecer di tanah. Untuk kuutuhkan lagi diriku. Untukku sendiri. Dan bila ia bersedia, mungkin untuknya.

I wish Jordan would kill me

I wish Jordan would kill me. I wish Jordan would kill me. I wish Jordan would kill me. I wish Jordan would kill me. I wish Jordan would kill me. I wish Jordan would kill me. I wish Jordan would kill me. I wish Jordan would kill me. I wish Jordan would kill me. I wish Jordan would kill me. I wish Jordan would kill me. I wish Jordan would kill me. I wish Jordan would kill me. I wish Jordan would kill me. I wish Jordan would kill me. I wish Jordan would kill me. I wish Jordan would kill me. I wish Jordan would kill me. I wish Jordan would kill me.

Heartbroken

I'm sick and broken hearted. But I'm glad I'm in Jogja with my friends. They can't help much but at least I'm not sad when they're around (mostly).
My husband sent me back home. I admit he needs a break too. Sometimes I feel like he sent me away to get rid of me. I feel like he doesn't care at all. I mean if you care you'll show it, right? He never calls or texts unless I do first. He refuses to say "I love you" too.
What breaks my heart the most is my failure to be perfect for him. I'm an infidel! They say he doesn't love me the way I am and I should look out for number 1. But he's my number 1.
I don't feel like I'm getting better here. I always think about him but he doesn't likely think about me too. It hurts. My will to keep fighting is fading. I'm getting closer to another attempt. I'm tired.

Baking cake

Life is like creating something. You know what you wanna make, you understand the process and go through it, but sometimes, like baking a cake, you don't know whether or not it will be like what you have wanted it. You can read the recipe, follow all the instructions and for some reason it does not come out like in the picture or description. It sucks when it happens like that but sometimes there things that you can't explain or something you don't realise that might take part in the process. Maybe the person who made the recipe used a different kind of oven, or maybe you over-mix the dough, or sometimes you just stuff up but you're too tough to quit so continue anyway. You know, stuff like that.
However, most of the time if things like that happen you will try to improvise, mix in a little bit of this, or add a little bit of that and you'll wish it will fix things up. There's always a 50-50 chance. It's your choice to do it or not. When all the process has been gone through, you will find out what your cake is like. Sometimes it comes out alright, sometimes it's completely stuffed. If it's alright, you can proceed to enjoying it. If it's stuffed up of course it will make you sad but there will usually be next time to try again. But you gotta realise most of the time your cake will not look anything like in the picture but it doesn't mean it doesn't taste as good.
SO, enjoy baking cake. I mean, enjoy life!

xoxo Dama

Dear God,

Do you know that I can’t take this anymore?

Sincerely,

Dama